A Very Hetalia Musical
by Michael Bunny Bunny
Summary: AVPM with Hetalia characters! Later UsUk, PruCan, and one-sided FrUk. Rated for language and shit
1. Act 1 Scene 1

Act 1  
Scene 1

Gilbert: Underneath these stairs I hear the sneers and feel the glares of mein bruder, and Germania. I can't believe how cruel they are, and it stings my battle scars to know they'll never ever give me what I want! I know I don't deserve these stupid rules made by Germany while I live in his basement! I can't take all of these muggles, but despite all of my struggles, I'm still alive.  
I'm sick of summer and this waiting around. Man, it's September so I'm skipping this town. Hey it's no mystery, there's nothing here for me now!  
I gotta get back to Hogwarts! I gotta get back to school! I gotta get myself to Hogwarts! Where everybody knows I'm cool!  
Back to witches and wizards and magical beasts! To goblins and ghosts and to magical feasts. It's all that I love and it's all that I need at Hogwarts, Hogwarts! I'm going back!  
I'll see my friends, gonna laugh 'til we cry. Take my firebolt, gonna take to the sky. No way this year anyone's gonna die, and it's gonna be totally awesome! I'll cast some spells with a flick of my wand. Defeat the dark arts, yeah bring it on! And do it all with my best friend Al 'cus together we're totally awesome!

Alfred: And it's gonna be totally awesome! Did somebody say U.S.A.? Woo!

Gilbert: What's up, buddy?

[They hug]

Alfred: Sorry it took me so long to get here, I had to go get some floopowder. But we gotta get going, come on, get your trunk, let's go!

Gilbert: Where are we going?

Alfred: To Diagon Alley, of course!

Gilbert: Awesome!

Alfred: Come on!

Both: Floopowder power! Floopowder power! Floopowder power!

Alfred: It's been so long, but we're going back! Don't go for work, don't go there for class!

Gilbert: As long as we're together-

Alfred: Gonna kick some ass!  
Both: And it's gonna be totally awesome! This year we'll take everybody by storm, stay up all night, sneak out of our dorm!

Arthur: Well let's not forget that we need to perform well in class if we want to pass our OWLs!

Alfred: God, Arthur. Why do yo have to be such a party kill?

Arthur: Because, ALFRED. School's not all about having fun! We need to study hard if we want to be good witches and wizards!  
I may be frumpy, but I'm super smart. Check out my grades, they're A's, for a start! What I lack in looks, well, I make up in heart and well guys that is totally awesome!  
This year I plan to study a lot!

Alfred: That would be cool if you were actually hot!

Gilbert: Hey Al, come on. We're the only friends that he's got.

Alfred: And that's cool.

Arthur: And that's totally awesome!

All: Yeah it's cool, and it's totally awesome!  
We're sick of summer and this waiting around. It's like we're sitting in the lost and found. Don't take no sorcery, for anyone to see how!  
We gotta get back to Hogwarts! We gotta get back to school! We gotta get back to Hogwarts! Where everything is magic-cool!  
Back to witches and wizards and magical beasts! To goblins and ghosts and to magical feasts. It's all that I love and it's all that I need at Hogwarts, Hogwarts! We're going back!


	2. Act 1 Scene 2

Act 1  
Scene 2

Matthew: Al! You're supposed to take me to Madame Malkin's with you and use those sickles you have for my robe fitting!

Gilbert: Who's this?

Alfred: This is stupid dumb little brother Matthew, he's a freshman. Mattie, this is Gil. Gilbert Beilschmidt. This is Gilbert Beilschmidt.

Matthew: Y-you're Prussia! The country that cannot die!

Gilbert: Yeah, and you're Mattie.

Matthew: It's Matthew.

Gilbert: Cool. Mattie's fine.

Alfred: Stupid brother! [Claps hands above Matthew's head]

Matthew: Aah!

Alfred: Don't crowd the famous friend.

Arthur: Do you guys hear music or something?

Gilbert: Music? What are you talking about?

Alfred: Yeah, someone's coming.

Gilbert: Someone's coming.

[Liechtenstein, Hungary, and Poland walk in]

All three: Liza! Domo arigato! Gung, hey! Fat choy chang! Happy happy new year! Liza!

Alfred: That's Liza Hedervary. That's the girl Gilbert's been totally in love with since freshman year.

Arthur: Yeah, but he won't say anything to her.

Alfred: Yeah, you never tell someone you like them, it makes you look like an idiot!  
Matthew: [to Poland] Konnichiwa, Liza. It is good to meet you! I am Matthew Williams.

Poland: Bitch, like, I ain't Liza!

Alfred: That's Feliks! [claps over Matthew's head] Sexist brother! Sexist brother!

Liza: Hey! It's alright! I'm Liza.

Gilbert: She is totally perfect.

Alfred: Yeah, too bad she's dating Roderich Edelstein though, huh?

Gilbert: What?! Who the Hell is Roderich Edelstein? What is that? Who is that guy?

[Roderich enters]

Roderich: Liza! I am so in love with Liza! Liza! Budapest to Vienna! I sing my love aloud for Liza!

[Roderich, Liza, Liechtenstein, and Poland exit]

Gilbert: I hate that guy! I hate him!

Alfred: [to Matthew] So, are we gonna get these robes or not?

Matthew: Okay, alright let's go!

Alfred: God, brother!

[Gilbert, Alfred, Arthur, and Matthew exit. Latvia, Veneziano, and Romano enter.]

Romano: Present your arm, nerd! [Latvia puts out arm] Indian burn hex!

Latvia: Aah!

[Gilbert, Alfred, Arthur, and Matthew reenter.]

Alfred: It's the Italy brothers.

Gilbert: Hey, why don't you leave Latvia alone, huh?

Romano: Well, well, well. If it isn't Gilbert Beilschmidt. You think all because you're famous, you can boss everyone around!

Gilbert: I just don't think it's cool for guys like you to be picking on guys like Latvia! C'mon!

Romano: Well you know what I think? I think birds are for girls! [takes Gilbird and makes it explode] We hate girls!

Veneziano: And nerds!

Gilbert: Oh my god...

Alfred: You asked for it! You don't mess with Prussia! He conquered a bunch of Eastern Europe when he was a baby!

Arthur: Alright, everyone just calm down! [Walks up to Gilbert and points wand at Gilbird] Reparo!

Gilbert: Woah, awesome!

Arthur: Now let's leave these big, baby, childish wankers alone!

[Francis enters]

Francis: Did someone say Francis Bonnefoy?

Alfred: What do you want, France?

Francis: Feliciano, Lovino, be a pair and pay for my robes, will you?

[Veneziano and Romano exit.]

Francis: So, Prussia! Back for another year at Hogwarts, are you? Maybe this year you'll wise up and hang with a higher calibre of country.

Gilbert: Hey listen, America and England are my best friends in the whole world. I wouldn't trade them for anything!

Francis: Have it your way. [To Matthew] Wait! Don't tell me! Glasses, absurd ahoge, and a stupid complexion. You must be from North America!

Alfred: Oh my god, lay off, France! He may be a pain in the ass, okay, but he's my pain in the ass.

Francis: Well isn't this cute? It's like a little loser family! Hogwarts has really gone to the dogs. Luckily next year, I'll be transferred to Pigfarts!  
Next year you'll bet, gonna get out of here. The reign of France is soon drawing near! I'll have the greatest nation career, it's gonna be totally awesome!  
Look out world, for the dawn of the day, when everyone will do, whatever I say! And Prussia won't be in my way and then I'll be the one who is totally awesome!

Romano: Yeah you'll be the one who is totally awesome!

Arthur: Guys, come on! We're going to miss the train!

[All students enter.]

All: Who knows how fast this year's gonna go? Hand me a glass let the butterbeer flow!

Alfred: Maybe at last-

Gilbert: I'll talk to Liza!

Alfred: Oh no, that'd be way too awesome!

All: We're back to learn everything that we can. It's great to come back to where we began. And here we are- so Alakazam! Here we go, this is totally awesome!  
Come on and teach us everything you know! The summer's over and we're itching to go!

Latvia: I think we're ready for- Roman Empire!

All: Aaaaaaahhhh!

Rome: I welcoooooooooooooooooooooooooooome all of you to Hogwarts! I welcome all of you to school! Did you know that here at Hogwarts, we've got a hidden swimming pool? Welcome welcome welcome Hogwarts! Welcome hotties, nerds, and tools! Now that I've got you here at hogwarts- I'd like to go over just a couple of rules. I am the Roman Empire and I am headmaster of Hogwarts. You can all call me Rome. I suppose you could also call me Grandpa, if you want a detention. I'm just kidding- I'll expel you if you call me Grandpa!

[Rome exits.]

All: Back to witches and wizards and magical beasts! To goblins and ghosts and to magical feasts. It's all that I love and it's all that I need at Hogwarts, Hogwarts!  
Back to spells and enchantments, potions and friends.

Gryffindors: To Gryffindor!

Hufflepuffs: Hufflepuff!  
Ravenclaws: Ravenclaw!

Slytherins: Slytherin!

All: Back to the place where our story begins at Hogwarts, Hogwarts!

Rome: I'm sorry, what'd you say?

All: Hogwarts, Hogwarts!

Rome: I didn't hear you kids!

All: Hogwarts, Hogwarts!

Gilbert: Man, I'm glad I'm back!


	3. Act 1 Scene 3

Act 1  
Scene 3

Rome: Yes, yes, welcome to another magical year at Hogwarts. And a very special welcome to my favourite student, Mr. Gilbert Beilschmidt. He conquered a lot of Eastern Europe when he was just a baby. He's even got some little battle scars to prove it! And another very special welcome to our newest addition to Gryffindor, Ms. Matthew- excuse me, Mr. Matthew Williams!

Matthew: Yeah, I'm a boy, and um also, aren't we supposed to be sorted by the sorting hat?

Rome: Well um funny thing happened to the sorting hat. He actually got hitched with another piece of enchanted magical clothing. So he and the scarf of sexual preference aren't going to be back until next year. Basically I've just been putting anybody who looks like a good guy into Gryffindor, anybody who looks like a bad guy into Slytherin, and the other two can just go wherever the Hell they want, I don't care.

Roderich: Hufflepuffs are particularly good finders.

Rome: What the Hell is a Hufflepuff? Anyway, it's time now for me to introduce my very good friend and our own Potions Professor, Mr. Romania!

Alfred: Oh man, not Romania! I hoped they'd fired that guy!

Matthew: Why what's wrong with Professor Romania?

Alfred: Uh, nothing, he's just, uh, evil?

[Romania enters.]

Gilbert: Come on, Al. He's really not that bad, I don't know what you're talking about-

Romania: Prussia! Detention!

Gilbert: What?!

Romania: For talking out of turn! Now before we begin, I'm going to give you all your very first pop quiz! Can anyone tell me what a portkey is? Yes, Mr. Kirkland.

Arthur: A portkey is an enchanted object that when touched would transport the one or ones who touch it to anywhere on the globe decided upon by the enchanter.

Romania: Very good! Now, can anyone tell me what foreshadowing is? Mr. Kirkland.

Arthur: Foreshadowing is a dramatic device in which an important plot point is mentioned early in the story to return later in a more significant way.

Romania: Perfect.

Alfred: Um, what's a portkey, again? I missed that one.

Arthur: Oh, a portkey is something that when you touch it it will transport you anywhere.

Alfred: Oh, oh my god.

Romania: And remember, a portkey can be any sort of seemingly harmless object. Like a football, or a dolphin!

Poland: Professor, can like, a person be a portkey?

Romania: No, that's absurd. Because then if a person were to touch themselves [looks at Alfred], they would constantly be transported into different places. A person can, however, be a horcrux.

Gilbert: What's a, what's a horcrux?

Romania: I'm not even going to tell you, Gilbert, you'll find out soon enough.

Arthur: What is the point in this quiz?

Romania: Oh, no no no point in particular. Just important information that everyone should know! Especially you [points to audience]! Now, moving right along, there are four houses in all. Gryffindor-

Gryffindors: Whoo! Yeah!

Romania: Ravenclaw-

Ravenclaws: Ow!

Romania: Hufflepuff-

Roderich: Find!

Romania: What? And Slytherin!

Slytherins: Ahh! *hissing noises*

Romania: Now, traditionally, points are awarded for good behavior and deducted for rule-breaking. Example: Ten points from Gryffindor!

Gryffindors: What?

Romania: For Mr. Kirkland's excessive baby fat *pinches Arthur's cheeks*

Gilbert and Alfred: Thanks, Arthur.

Romania: Traditionally, the house with the most points at the end of the year would get the house cup. However, this year we're doing things a bit differently. Here to introduce it is our new professor of Defense Against the Dark Arts, Professor Lithuania!

[Lithuania enters.]

Gilbert: Ow, ow!

Lithuania: The house cup, did you say? a time honoured tradition. For centuries-

Francis: Go home, terrorist!

Lithuania: For centuries, the four houses of Hogwarts have competed for the honour and glory of holding the title of house champion. But where does this competition come from, and what are the roots of the tradition?

Arthur: The house cup tournament began with the first generation of Hogwarts students.

Lithuania: That was a rhetorical question!

Rome: Britain, quit interrupting! 20 points from Gryffindor!

Alfred: Thanks, Arthur...

Lithuania: As I was saying, when the tournament first originated it was of a completely different sort. One champion from each of the four houses would compete in a series of dangerous tasks, challenges. The winner would not only win the cup, he would also win eternal glory.

Arthur: Kind of like a Triwizard Tournament?

Lithuania: Yes, sort of like the Triwizard Tournament. Except, no, not like that at all. There are four houses, how can it be the TRIwizard Tournament with four teams?

Arthur: Well, er, professor, if I remember correctly, the house cup tournament was disbanded after one semester when one of its students was killed during the first task.

Lithuania: Yes, it is very dangerous, but the rewards far outweigh the risks.

Arthur: I don't think you heard me, I just said somebody died!

Rome: The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, shut your ungodly, lopsided mouth and quit interrupting! 20 more points!

Gilbert and Alfred: Thanks, Arthur!

Rome: God, for the cleverest wizard of your age, you really can be a dumbass sometimes. [Gryffindors laugh] Oh, 10 points to Roma!

Lithuania: Yes, yes well it will be very dangerous but the winner will be remembered as a hero for ages to come. And, as a professor of the Defense Against the Dark Arts, I believe that this practical application is exactly what the curriculum needs to-

[Russia sneezes.]

Rome: Did your turban just sneeze?

Lithuania: What, what? No!

Rome: I could've sworn I heard a sneeze coming from your direction but your mouth wasn't moving.

Lithuania: No, no. That was simply a fart. Excuse me.

[Russia sneezes.]

Gilbert: Ow! Ow! Ow! Oh, jeez! Ow ow ow!

Lithuania: I must be going!

[Russia sneezes.]

Lithuania: I simply farted once more, excuse me!

[Lithuania exits.]

Rome: In compliance with the newly resurrected house cup, a champion from each house will be selected to compete! So, Romania, would you like to do us the honours, please?

[Romania enters, holding a golden cup.]

Romania: Yes, Headmaster. First, from the Ravenclaw house, a miss Elizaveta Hedervary.

Liza: Oh my god, I won! Can you believe that?

Romania: And next from Hufflepuff, a mister Roderich Edelstein.

Roderich: Well I don't find this to be very surprising at all.

Liza: I find it perfect! Now I get to spend more time with my beloved boyfriend!

Roderich: I'm glad as well, my darling. *kisses Liza on cheek*

Romania: And next, from the Slytherin house, a Francis Bonnefoy!

Francis: *stands up* Hah! Oh! I finally beat you, didn't I, Prussia? What do you think of that, huh? I'm the champion this time! *grabs Gilbert's robes and falls to the floor*

Rome: France would you sit down you little shit, champion's just a title!

Romania: And finally, from the Gryffindor house... Oh my.. well isn't this curious? The one person in all of Gryffindor who I seemingly hate with passion is suddenly in a tournament where he may very well lose his life.

Latvia: I-if it's me, I'll just apologize to my fellow Gryffindors right now for losing.

Romania: Sit down, you inarticulate bumble! It's Gilbert Beilschmidt!

Alfred: Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

Rome: Well there they are, folks, the four Hogwarts champions! I want all of you to start preparing immediately, because the first task is in two months! And it could be anything. So let's get to it!


	4. Act 1 Scene 4

Gilbert: I don't know, man. Roderich Edelstein He's pretty awesome. NOT! He sucks! I'm totally gonna win!

Gilbert and Alfred high-five.

Arthur: I don't know, Gilbert…

Alfred: Oh my god, Arthur. Keep Shut. Why do you have to rain on everybody's parade?

Arthur: Because, Alfred, this is dangerous!

Gilbert: Dangerous? Come one, Arthur how dangerous can it be? Especially for me.

Arthur: You're not invincible, Gilbert. Someone DIED in this tournament.

Gilbert: Uh, I'm the Boy that LIVED, not DIED. What's the worst that could happen?

Arthur: And I don't know about that Lithuania character

Gilbert: Come on, think about it. Professor Laurinaitis is a professor, and who hires professors?

Gilbert & Alfred: Rome.

Gilbert: ...who's the smartest, most awesome, practical, most beautiful wizard in the whole school. Why would he possibly hire someone who's trying to hurt me? You know what Arthur, just forget about all of that okay? Let it go.

Alfred: I'll sabotage all the other champions so you win by default.

Arthur: Alright… I guess I can check out the whole library on notes.

Gilbert: Alright. You guys are awesome.

Francis, Feliciano, and Lovino enter. They are carrying Francis.

Francis: Well. Isn't this touching?

Alfred: Oh my God just butt out, Francis.

Lovino and Feliciano try to put Francis down but Francis falls onto the floor. He will continue to roll around on the floor for awhile to make it seem like he did this on purpose.

Francis: Lovino and I have a bet, you know. He says you won't last five minutes in this tournament. I disagree. I say you wouldn't last five minutes at Pigfarts!

Gilbert: What? Alright, Francis, what is Pigfarts?

Francis: Oh! Never heard of it? Ha! Figures. Famous Beilschmidt doesn't even know about Pigfarts!

Gilbert: Francis, don't act like you don't want to talk about it. This is like the ninth time you've mentioned Pigfarts. What is Pigfarts?

Francis is standing by now.

Francis: Pigfarts is only the greatest wizarding school in the galaxy. It's where I'm being transferred next year.

Arthur: Francis, I've never heard of that.

Francis: That's because Pigfarts… is on Mars!

Gilbert: Alright, you know what? We're trying to have a conversation here so if you could just leave us alone-

Francis: Oh, no. I'm not even here.

Gilbert: (in a hushed tone) Okay, so, I think we can find out what the first task is if we ask Rome-

Francis: Rome? Pff! What an old coot! He's nothing like Rumbleroar!

Lovino: RUMBLEROAR!

Gilbert: Anyways, as I was saying-

Francis: Rumbleroar's the headmaster at Pigfarts. He's a lion, who can talk.

Gilbert: France, if you don't mind, we're trying to have a conversation here so- wait what are you even doing here? Get outta here.

Francis: I can't help it if we can hear everything you say. We're the only ones in here.

Gilbert: Come on, Francis; just get out of here, please?

Francis: Where are we supposed to go?

Gilbert: Uh, I don't know, uh, Pigfarts.

Francis: Oh ha. Oh, now you're just being cute. I can't go to Pigfarts. IT'S ON MARS. You need a rocket ship. (Struts over to Gilbert) Do you have a rocket ship, Beilschmidt? I bet you do. (He crawls between where Gilbert and Alfred are sitting and falls to the floor again) You know not all of us inherited enough money to buy out NASA when our parents died! Look at this! Look at this! It's Rocketship Beilschmidt. Starkid Beilschmidt. Moonshoes Beilschmidt. Traversing the galaxy for intergalactic travels to Pigfarts! (He gets up)

Gilbert: Alright, that's it. This is the most misguided way to try and make me feel jealous. I don't care if you make fun of me, (he gets up towards France) but if you bring my parents into this it's a whole other story.

Francis: (runs and hides behind stage left bench) Whoa! Not so fast, Beilschmidt! Mon Dieu! Lovino!

Lovino advances on Gilbert, arms raised. Gilbert and Alfred cower around the bench while Arthur remains standing.  
Lovino: BACK OFF, NERD!

Francis: (hanging off the bottom of the bench) Not so tough are you now, Beilschmidt! Maybe you should hang out with someone better than that lollygagging American and his stupid mudblood boyfriend!

Arthur: Oh, that is it, you bloody frog! (he makes a motion with his wand) Jelly-legs jinx!

Francis: Oh, come on!

Lovino: Hey, no fair! Our legs are jelly!

Arthur runs over and grabs France by the necktie while Lovino and Feliciano fall on their backs with their legs wobbling.

Arthur: Now, take it back, Francis!

Francis: Take what back?

Arthur: Take back what you said about your stupid made-up space school!

Alfred: And all that stuff about Arthur being my boyfriend. That's not even a little bit true.

Arthur: And say you're sorry for calling me a 'you-know-what'!

Francis: Alright! I'm sorry!

Arthur: And you promise you'll never do it again?

Francis: I promise!

Arthur: Alright! (he drops him) Now next time we tell you to leave us alone you better do it! Come on, Gilbert. Alfred. Let's get out of here.

Gilbert: Wow. Thanks, Arthur.

Arthur: Yeah (he points at Feliciano and Lovino with his wand) Unjellyfy!

The jinx on Feliciano and Lovino is broken. Gilbert, Alfred and Arthur leave.

Alfred: (As they walk off) Wow. That was like the most badass thing I've ever seen! Too bad no one was here to see it though. It was like an outburst of pent up aggression you were just like 'Arrr! I'm gonna….

Feliciano and Lovino get up.

Lovino: Wow. That sucked royal hippogriff! We got beat by a Brit! Who is a nerd!

Francis: I meant what I said you know. Pigfarts is real. (He puts his hand to his nose to check for blood) Am I- Am I bleeding? Lovino.

Lovino runs over close to France's face.

Lovino: *Sniffs* No. (He gets up)

France: (quietly) I thought maybe... maybe just a little bit… (Normally) Wow. I've never been pushed down like that by Arthur… Maybe I shouldn't call him a mud-… whatever. (He gets up)

Lovino: (to Feliciano) I can't believe I couldn't figure out the counter-curse was just unjellyfy!

Feliciano shakes his head in disapproval.

France: Right. Well, I'm not surprised. Come on. Let's go watch Wizards of Waverly Place!

France exits with Feliciano and Lovino.

RusLiet enters. The stage is set with a block-bench and a chair with robes hung over the top.

Toris: (talking to the audience) Fools! They're all fools. They think they're safe. They think they're back for another fun year of learning shenanigans at Hogwarts. Little do they know the danger that's lurking right under their noses. Or, should I say, on the back of their heads…

Toris rotates to put his back to the audience. He pulls off the turban to reveal Ivan who laughs evilly, then coughs. Toris puts his turban on the chair.

Ivan: Ugh! I can't breathe in that damn turban!

Toris: I'm sorry my Lord. It's a necessary precaution. For if they knew that you lived- that when Gilbert Beilschmidt destroyed you, your soul lived on-

Ivan: Yes! That when my body was destroyed I was forced to live in the Forbidden Forest, eating bugs, and mushrooms, and, ugh! Unicorn blood!

Toris: Until I found you and let you attach yourself to my soul.

Ivan: Yes. Nobody must know any of that. Now, Toris! Get me some water!

Toris bends over and grabs a bottle of water.

Ivan: Now Toris! Pour it in my mouth!

Toris uncaps the bottle and speaks while pouring the water in his mouth.

Toris: Your plan to infiltrate Hogwarts on the back of my head is going swimmingly, my liege!

Ivan: Yes, yes, I'm done with the water! We must not have any more foul-ups like tonight in the Great Hall!

Toris: I'm sorry, my Lord, you sneezed!

Ivan: I know that... Get me some Nasonex, you swine!

Toris shoots some Nasonex into Ivan's nose, then some into his own.

Ivan: Wash that turban! It tickles my nose.

Toris: Yes my Dark King-

Ivan: Okay, just... relax with the Dark Kings, ok? I watch you wipe your butt daily. You can call me Ivan. We're there. We've reached that point.

Toris: Yes, yes, my… Ivan.

Ivan: Mmm. Now, Quirrell… Get us ready for bed.

Toris begins getting ready for bed.

Ivan: We must be well rested if we wish to kill Beilschmidt. Tonight, in the Great Hall, he was so close! I could have touched him!

Toris uses some mouthwash.

Ivan: Revenge is at my fingertips, Toris. I can taste it! It tastes like… cool mint.

Toris: That's our Listerine, Ivan.

Ivan: Yes. Excellent. (They walk over to the block-bench) Well, goodnight Toris.

Toris bends backwards, and Ivan leans forward so they are laying down on the block-bench.

Ivan: (pause) Okay, okay, I can't do this. You've got to roll over. I can't sleep on my tummy.

Toris: I'm sorry, but I always sleep on my back! I have back problems. It's the only way I'm comfortable.

Ivan: You roll over right now or I'll… I'LL EAT YOUR PILLOW! (Toris begins to roll over) You'll be having a dream you're eating a giant marshmallow, but really you'll wake up and find your favorite goose feather pillow is missing!

Toris: Fine! We'll compromise. We'll sleep on our sides.

Ivan: Ok. I guess I can do this.

Toris: Now, goodnight!

Ivan: Goodnight, Toris. (pause) Hey, Toris. How long has those robes been on that chair?

Toris: I think they're from last night. I just put them there for now.

Ivan: Well are you planning on putting them in a hamper? What's your plan for these?

Toris: I figured I'd just leave them there for now and put them away in the morning,okay?

Ivan: A- No! No, that's not okay! I can't go to sleep knowing that there are dirty clothes on that chair! The chair's is going to start smelling like dirty clothes!

Toris: I promise I'll put them away in the morning!

Ivan: You put them away RIGHT NOW! I command you to get up and… fold them, at least! Make it into a neat pile!

They both sit up.

Toris: Listen, if we're going to be in this situation for a while, we're going to have to learn to live with each other. Now, I've been single for all of my life, and I have some habits, and sometimes I leave dirty laundry around!

Ivan: Well I believe everything has its place! Muggles have their place, mudbloods have their place, and so do your clothes! Namely, a dresser!

They stand up.

Toris: Well, aren't we an odd couple?  
Song: Different As Can Be  
Toris: You won't sleep on your tummy,

Ivan: You won't sleep on your back,

Ivan & Toris:We're quite a kooky couple you'll agree.

Toris: We share some hands and fingers,

Ivan: and yet the feeling lingers.

Ivan & Toris: We're just about as different as anyone could be!

Ivan: You like plotting a garden, and I like plotting to kill.

Toris: you think that you should rule the world, I think books are a thrill!  
Sipping tea by the fire is swell

Ivan: Pushing people in is fun as well I like folding all my ties

Toris: And you have no friends, hey that's a surprise

Ivan & Toris: guess it's plain to see when you look at you and me we're different  
different as can be

Toris goes over to fold the robes.

Ivan: You're a sissy, a twat a girl! I'm the darkest of lords!

Toris: I'm the brightest professor here, I've won several awards!

Ivan: My new world is about to unfold

Toris: You got beat by a two year old

Ivan: I'll kill him this time, through and through

Toris: Or you might just give him another tattoo

Ivan & Toris: You really must agree when you look at you and me we're different, different as can-

Ivan faces the audience as Toris makes menacing arm motions.

Ivan: I'll rise again and I'll rule the world, But you must help me renew. For when our plan succeeds-

Toris: Prevails!

Ivan: part of that world goes to you.

They continue their rotating.

Toris: When I rule the world I'll plant flowers.

Ivan: When I rule the world I'll have… snakes! And goblins, and werewolves, and  
giants, and thestrals, a fleet of dementors, and all my Death Eaters!

Toris: (at the same time)And Jane Austin novels!

Ivan & Toris: When I rule the world! Hahahaha!


	5. Act 1 Scene 5

Act 1  
Scene 5

Arthur: Gilbert, don't you think you should be trying to figure out what the first task is? You could actually die if you're not ready.

Gilbert: What? Come on, I mean, can't you just do it for me? Can't you just prepare all my stuff for me? I mean, what are you doing now?

Arthur: I'm writing your potions essay!

Gilbert: Oh... Well do that first 'cus that's due tomorrow. But after that, can you prepare for the first task, please?

Arthur: Alright.

Gilbert: Thank you. You are the best (he taps Arthur on the nose). You got it. Thanks, Arthur.

Arthur turns around on the bench. Matthew enters, doing the magic pencil trick with his wand.

Gilbert: Hey, Birdie, come here.

Matthew: Hey, Gilbert.

He sits down on the bench.

Gilbert: Listen, I want to play this song I've been working on. You see, I met this girl that I really, really like and I want to let her know she's special. So I just want to know what you think of it. Just for the purposes of now, because I'm still working out the lyrics, I'm going to put your name where her name should be, but I don't think it's really gonna work out, because- Well, let me just show you.  
Song: Mattie  
You're cute like a kitty  
Although you aren't too chatty  
Mattie  
You're Chuck I'm Peppermint Patty  
Imma give you winnings from the lattery  
Mattie  
You're cuter than a guinea pig  
Wanna take you up to Winnipeg  
That's in Canada!  
Mattie Mattie Mattie Mattie-  
You know what? This doesn't work with you name. At all. But how does that make you feel, emotionally?

Matthew: W-wow, Gilbert..

Gilbert: Don't you think it could, I dunno, make someone fall in love with me?

Matthew: I-I think it already has...

Gilbert: Awesome! Because it's for Elizaveta!

Matthew: Oh. Yeah. She's beautiful.

Gilbert: What, are you nuts? Beautiful? More like super-mega-foxy-awesome-hot! She's the hottest person I've ever met. She's far more attractive, far more appealing, far more interesting than anyone that I know, in my immediate group of friends.

Alfred enters stage left. He jumps over the block and over to Matthew.

Alfred: (motioning to Matthew to scoot over) Move! Move! Move! Move! Move!

Matthew scoots over and Alfred sits down.

Alfred: Hey! Gilbert! What's up? So I was just offstage hanging out with Rome, and I saw this delivery wizard bringing giant cages into the dungeon. I don't know what that's for-

Arthur: Giant cages? I bet whatever's in those cages has something to do with the first task! Gilbert, we have to find out what it is.

Gilbert: Hey. Hey, guys. No. I'm busy.

He plays the guitar. Alfred and Matthew dance. Arthur rolls his eyes and takes his guitar away.

Alfred and Matthew: NO! NO! NO! NO! (etc.)

Arthur: Guys! Listen. This could be a matter of life and death!

Alfred: Well it doesn't matter because it's after hours, okay? And we can't leave Gryffindor House, and even if we do, Latvia over there will probably tell on us!

Arthur: Raivis won't tell.

Raivis: Oh yes I certainly will.

Alfred: What're we gonna do?

Arthur: Simple, guys. The cloak.

Alfred: Of course..

They all stand up.  
Alfred ad Gilbert: The cloak..

Matthew: Wait, what cloak?

Alfred: Shut up! [Claps hands above Matthew's head]

Raivis: [leaves]

Gilbert: In my first year at Hogwarts, I got a present. And it was left to me by my dad, Germania. He's dead. [getting cloak out of trunk] We use it to solve mysteries and stuff! It's my invisibility cloak!

Matthew: Oh boy, wowie, Gilbert! A real invisibility cloak! Oh, do you what I would do if I had an invisibility cloak?

Gilbert: I would kick wiener dogs.

Alfred: I would pretend to be a ghost and I would scare mean people.

Arthur: I'd use it to avoid ever having to face my reflection in the mirror…

Matthew: Well, actually, I was gonna say I would use it to fake my own death and watch people cry at the funeral..

Gilbert: Anyway, let's get outta here.

They all start to leave.

Alfred: *to Matthew* Woah, woah, woah, where do you think you're going?

Matthew: Um, with you guys..

Alfred: Oh, no way. No kid brothers allowed, okay? [claps over his head] Besides, there's only enough room under this cloak for two people.

Arthur: [looks sad]

Alfred: … C'mon, Arthur, c'mon.

Arthur: [grins and runs after them]

Gilbert: Song  
The way his hair falls in his eyes makes me wonder if he'll  
Ever see through my disguise, and I'm under his spell.  
Everything is fallin', and I don't know where to land.  
Everyone knows who he is, but they don't know who I am…  
Gilbert  
Gilbert  
My heart is hurt  
You're my sweetest dessert  
I've seen you conquer certain death  
Even when you're just standin' there, you take away my breath!  
And maybe  
Someday you'll here my song  
And understand that all along  
There's somethin' more that I'm tryin' to say!  
Gilbert  
Gilbert  
My heart is hurt  
You're my sweetest dessert  
You're my sweetest dessert


	6. Act 1 Scene 6

Toris: The last of the shipments for the first task have just arrived!

Ivan: Yes, I know. I hear everything you hear.

Toris: *takes off the turban to reveal Ivan* Isn't it wonderful, Master? We've made sure Gilbert Beilschmidt's name was drawn from the cup and soon he will be ours!

Ivan: Yes. *evil grin* It's really happening, isn't it? You know, with plan going so well, I feel like perhaps we should celebrate. What do you say, Toris? How about we 'go out'? I hear it's karaoke night down at the Hog's Head.

Toris: I don't know… I have all these papers to grade and I've been so worked up on this revenge plan that I've fallen very behind…

Ivan: Come on, you've been working so hard all year. You deserve night off.

Toris: But the papers….

Ivan: Oh, just give them all B-s and be done with it.

Toris: *shocked/excited look* Now that's evil.

Ivan: Yes well I am the Dark Lord. Come on. Just a few drinks. And we can try to pick up some pretty girls.

Toris: O-oh, I won't know what to say, I'm no good at that…

Ivan: It will be fun. You move your lips and I will do the talking.

Toris: *makes an "ehh" noise like he doesn't really like this idea*

Ivan: Toris. Listen to me. I may just be parasite on back of your head who is literally devouring your soul every time you take breath, but I can see that you are too good of a person not to have a little bit of fun every once in a while. You deserve this.

Toris: Well, if you put it that way… Yes, let's just go wild tonight!

Ivan: That is spirit! Put on fresh pair of wizard shorts and grab your tunic. We are going to get you laid.

*they start to exit*

Ivan: Seriously. Back when I had body, I had mad game with bitches. Just ask Natalya Arlovskaya.

*blackout*

*Gilbert, Arthur, and Alfred enter under the (very small) invisibility cloak*

Alfred: This cloak isn't as big as it used to be…

Arthur: Someone's coming!

*Francis and the Vargas brothers enter and move centre stage*

Francis: …. Did you just hear something?

Lovino: No. Only quiet.

Feliciano: Maybe it was a raindrop!

Francis: No matter. Tell me, Lovino, who do you think is the ugliest person in school?

Lovino: Hmm… Flying Mint Bunny. For sure.

Francis: Feliciano?

Feliciano: How about Tony, that alien guy!

Francis: Good one. Obscure. Do you know who I think is the ugliest person in school? That Arthur Kirkland. You know what I would give him, on a scale from 1 to 10 with 1 would be the ugliest and 10 is.. sexy? I would give him… An 8. *pauses* 8.5. Or 9… Not, NOT over a 9.8 now there is always room for improvement. Not everyone is perfect, like moi. That's why I'm holding out for a 10! Because I'm worth it. *pauses again* Come on, let's go!

*turns to leave with the Vargas brothers*

*Feliciano walks into Gilbert, Arthur, and Alfred, apologizes, and leaves*

Gilbert: Wow, what a bunch of jerks!

Arthur: Alright, forget them. Where were they being delivered?

Alfred: I think they were being delivered to the auditorium so they should be at the end of this hallway and to the left.

*they walk in place as the set moves*

*Alfred points towards a goat in a cage*

Alfred: Look, a goat!

Arthur: A goat?

Gilbert: A goat? Mein Gott, I have to fight a goat? I don't know if I can do that morally..

*Rome and Romania enter*

Romania: And the goats have all been sent for feeding time, headmaster.

Rome: Feeding time? Dragons don't want to be fed, they want to hunt!

Gilbert: Did he just say dragons?

Romania: Did you just say "did he just say dragons?"

*Rome turns to look at the invisible spot where the three heroes are*

Rome: I must have, because anyone else hiding in this room would have known to have shut up, Gilbert Beilschmidt~

Romania: Headmaster, do you really think it wise to have children fight dragons?

Rome: No, Romania, I don't think it is wise to do anything anymore! Like here I am, alive and well today, and I could very well be killed by you tomorrow.

Romania: How absurd.

*Rome holds out a hand to Romania*

Rome: Let's go to bed. Have you ever seen my room? I've got some pretty kickin' posters on my wall.

*they begin to walk offstage, arm in arm, as they are about to walk into the trio, they break off, yawning*

Romania: Well I am getting rather tired.

*they exit. Gilbert takes off the cloak*

Gilbert: A dragon? This is bogus! I can't fight a dragon, I'm just a little kid!

Alfred: Well, maybe it won't be that bad, Gil. Like maybe you'll just have to fight like Mushu from Mulan or Puff the Magic Dragon.

Arthur: Alfred, this is serious, okay? Gilbert could die! Now look, there's still time, alright?

Gilbert: Well, let's get back to the common room. Hey, where's the invisibility cloak?

Alfred: Oh I threw it on that walking chair over there- oh crap…

Gilbert: Oh that.. that's gonna be an issue…

Alfred: Yep.

*they all exit*


End file.
